In 1970, pitcher Jim Bouton wrote a book about his 1969 season and his career as a Major League pitcher. Part of the book included his account of creating a list of names for an “All-Ugly Team,” a lineup of MLB players who, in the opinion of Bouton and some bullpen cohorts, weren’t blessed with movie-star good looks.
To protect the innocent, the team’s members aren’t mentioned here; but if there were a team captain, it might have been a guy named Don Mossi. Look him up.
Since then, there have been a number “All-Whatever”-type teams put together by fans, sportswriters, players and otherwise creative or bored baseball fans.
And it’s always fun.
All for Fun.
What follows is a compilation of a few of the popular All-Whatever Teams. We’ve researched, compiled and enhanced them, using online resources and databases for ideas and information. (The Internet and Google make that so easy.)
Enjoy what follows and don’t take it too seriously. These aren’t real teams that are about to take the field, so there doesn’t have to be someone for each position and there can be more than nine players. On top of that, let’s agree that these names don’t have to be perfect—they just have to get a chuckle out of you. In other words, the spellings aren’t perfect, but more than good enough.
Some of the players’ names are their nicknames—and why not? Do you even know what Yogi Berra’s real first name was? And some players’ names are so valuable, they’re even on more than one list.
And yes, the names that you’ll see on these lists are real baseball players. Or, more accurately, some were real baseball players. Okay…some of the players left this earth close to a hundred years ago, but don’t blame me for that. They played hard and gave their best effort for their teams and for the cause of humor. We should be grateful for their contributions.* In fact, don’t their names live on because of these kinds of lists?
So, here’s a sample of some great names…
The All-Body-Parts Team. Tickling the funny bone.
The human body is made up of many parts. A baseball team is made up of a few dozen human bodies. Therefore, a baseball team is made up of many body parts. Here’s one of those teams:
1. Tony Armas (Toe-knee Arm-a**)
2. Ted Beard
3. George Bone
4. Dave Brain
5. Bartolo Colón
6. Harry Cheek
7. Elroy Face
8. Rollie Fingers
9. Brad Hand
10. Jim Ray Hart
11. Ed Head
12. Bill Keister
13. Chin-lung Hu
14. Heine Manush
15. Mike Palm
16. Butts Wagner
Team Name: The Astros
MVP: Tony Armas (four body parts); Runner-Up: Chin-lung Hu (two body parts)
The All-Weather Team. Forecast: funny.
Opening Day is in early April, often in cold weather. Throughout the season, games are canceled because of bad weather. In midseason, games are in sweltering heat. In autumn, the weather cools once again. Therefore, an All-Weather Team makes perfect sense. Many thanks go to John Smoltz, announcer and former Braves pitcher, who composed a list of his own, and gave this one a running start.
1. Ken Cloude
2. Chili Davis
3. Storm Davis
4. Curt Flood
5. Josh Fogg
6. David Frees
7. Chip Hale
8. Sonny Jackson
9. Windy McCall
10. Chuck Rainey
11. Tim Raines
12. J.T. Snow
13. Dewey Williams
14. Roy “Stormy” Weatherly
Honorable Mention: Cool Papa Bell, famous player in the Negro Leagues
The All-Food Team. Here’s a lineup to chew on.
If you get hungry at the ballgame, you’re lucky—because most ballparks today have a variety of tasty foods, drinks and sweets, well beyond peanuts and Cracker Jack. Maybe it’s only fitting that there’s a team that could make you hungry every time they took the field.
Appetizers
1. Peanuts Lowrey
2. Chip Hale
Entrées
3. Billy Beane
4. Herman Franks
5. Wally Berger
6. Chili Davis
7. Ham Patterson
8. Tim Salmon
Condiments
9. Tom Butters
10. Jim Lemon
11. Pepper Martin
Beverages
12. Todd Coffee
13. George Creamer
14. Coco Crisp
15. Pop Williams
Desserts
16. Cookie Rojas
17. Darryl Strawberry
18. Taffy Wright
Team: Baltimore Oreos
Manager: Jimmy Gobble
The All-Fish Team: A netful of interesting players.
Ted Williams wasn’t just a great hitter—he was a great fisherman. Hundreds of players, and fans, love to go fishing during the off-season and on days off. If you go fishing for players to put on your All-Fish Team, here’s what you might reel in.
1. Brian Bass
2. Mike Carp
3. Dory Dean
4. Harry Eells
5. Neal Finn
6. George Haddock
7. Art Herring
8. Jess Pike
9. Tim Salmon
10. Marlin Stuart
11. Mike Trout
Bench players: Robert Whalen, Gil Hodges, Jack Fisher, A-Rod
Team: The Marlins
Manager: Hooks Cotter
Creating your own team.
Putting together these kinds of lists is lots of fun. Here’s how you can create your own All-Whatever Team.
1. Pick a category you want to explore. Maybe its rock stars, or flowers (Pete Rose), or geographical places, or cars (Whitey Ford). It’s up to you.
2. Do a Google search and see if someone has started a similar list.
3. Go to baseball-reference.com. Use their search feature and type in the kind of words you’re searching for.
4. You’ll get an immediate list of names that fit your search.
The dog days of summer.
Wrapping it all up, the next time you’re at a game and your team is down by six runs in the late innings and the game is dragging on, think of these lists...or create your own. Challenge your buddies to come up with names.
You might even come up with your own modern-day All-Ugly Team.
Just be nice about it.
*Every player’s name appears on the baseball-reference.com website, the most comprehensive database of baseball player and team statistics.
